In an age of DINKs - Double Income No Kids, I am faced with the pertinent question - To have or not to have - kids (or a kid, to be precise). Seven months down blissful matrimony, a belated honeymoon, and quite a well-settled household, the attention has been diverted to my aging ovaries. The women of our families have started showing immense interest in our child-bearing plans.
My mother is subtle in her approach, still endorsing the fact that hubby and I should have some “us-time” before we add a Bunty or Bubbly to our life, and become U, Me and Hum! But my mom has started stashing away soft bed linen to make homemade nappies and baby-mattresses, and is still treasuring her knitting books and needles! Ma-in-law is more aggressive in her approach, wanting a new addition to the family almost immediately, and is talking about the pleasures of having a grandchild, and of carrying on the family name. The pressure is increasing. The issue that would initially bring a blush to my countenance is now leaving me red-faced with irritation.
Hubby and I had consciously not touched this issue, as we handled other long-term plans like home-loan, car-loans, the inflation, family commitments, and professional growth prospects. However, the constant prodding from family members brought us face-to-face on child-bearing and child-rearing concerns. I was surprised to find that hubby was more emotionally prepared to take a plunge into fatherhood. He mentioned that since I had relented talking on the subject, he did not broach any discussion, what so ever.
A revelation and once again a new gnawing guilt about my lack of commitment towards starting a family! I was quite shocked to realize that I was the unflinching, unrelenting partner, and strangely, a woman who was seemingly immune to the maternal instincts. Not that I don’t like children, or haven’t had the desire to bear a child, but off late I am not excited with the idea of having kid/s running amok in my life and my house.
I landed in a party where all the young mom’s had children in tow, and were discussing kids, and the pregnancies of other women. Someone commented that I must be bored as I wasn’t a member of the new-moms, or the would-be-moms groups. Something hurt somewhere (Oh yes! It did) and yet, the maternal instincts still lie pretty dormant. Why! I questioned myself. I did some soul-searching, and then I pinpointed some basic concerns:
1. I am afraid about pregnancy and related health issues and also about the additional responsibility of a child. I am wondering who will help in the child-rearing, within the nuclear family life that we are leading in the metro, and also in the context of my 9-10 hrs a day job. What will I do after my maternity leave is over? I don’t see myself leaving the child with a servant; and at the same time I also want to get back to work after the maternity leave. Family support will be intermittent and not a permanent solution. So, the question remains hanging in the balance - a child or a job!
2. I am concerned about the additional financial and social responsibilities that a new addition in the family will bring upon us. From medical to educational to growing up expenses, I understand the value of a double income to maintain a decent lifestyle. Yet, the child for whom the extra income will be an added benefit will be the cause of the loss of income, if I leave my job to bring up the child. It is pretty-much a chicken-and-the-egg situation!
3. One of the prime reasons I decided in favor of matrimony, was to have a companion with whom I could pursue hobbies and interests. I have wanted to travel around the world, and enjoy leisure and shared activities with my husband. But with a child in tow, we are restricted, and we definitely cut down on the time we share with each other, as the child demands most of our time and attention. The joy of spending time and efforts on a child may be very relaxing and rewarding, but what about companionship with my spouse!
4. The social dynamics of having and wanting a child have also undergone change over time. Children were needed to carry on the family name, the family business, and take care of and financially support the parents and siblings. Children were important for the homemaker who needed additional responsibilities and means of entertainment after her husband went to work. Times have changed. Most people are catering to their old-age needs and even professional help for the elderly is available. Children also do not remain with their parents. Most young adults are moving away from their homes to pursue education, career and then to set up their own nuclear homes. The independent western lifestyle has arrived in India and has changed the role that children play in the life of parents and the elderly in the family. Empty-nest syndrome is a reality in our country, and it indirectly questions the need to have children. With women pursuing careers, the theory of a child filling up the time and emotional void, and adding purpose to a woman’s existence, also doesn’t hold water any more.
5. On a broader plane, I personally feel that we are living in bad times - of war, weapons, fear, disease and destruction. I have questioned myself again and again that is this the kind of world that I would want any of my off springs to face! I wish I could see happier times for my children, but in the overpopulated world running low on natural resources, on a virtually dying planet, I am not mentally and emotionally prepared to give birth to a new generation.
I have no reason that would really stir the desire of motherhood, except for maybe the days when I wonder whether my child will inherit hubby’s beautiful hazel brown eyes, and fair complexion, or will I pass on to a new life, my genes of creativity and love for aesthetics! Yes, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak and till then I ponder - to have or not to have!
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Ritu Says:
June 22nd, 2008 at 8:45 pmHi. A truly from-the-heart post. SOmehow I can relate to all your thoughts. My hubby and I did not have our first child till we were almost 4+ years into matrimony and in the interim did all that we wanted, late nights, travelling to several parts of the country, back packing, etc…things we could not have done with kids.
We decided to have our child becoz we felt th time was right. Eventually we’ve also had a second child. Somedays, when we want to have a bit of “Us” time together without the kids, we do miss our pre-kid days… Things with kids can never be the same. There is a lot to do and as u’ve rightly said, with the kind of urban set-up we are in, its impossible to find “couple” time once u have ‘em.
But the good thing is also that they grow up. My kids are 8 and 5 and for the last two years Ive been sending them to their grandparents’ place for the summer break. They get to bond with the granparents and we get some time alone to do the things we’d like to do…like go trekking or river rafting etc.
Having said that, you can travel and see the world with kids. Maybe u cant back pack but certainly u can see the world…and travel…
Its a tremendous responsibility…child bearing and rearing, and u must plunge in to it only if u are 100% convinced. I would suggest that u take ur time. Enjoy matrimony and have cherishable “us” times before u take the plunge….
All the best!!!
felinemusings Says:
June 22nd, 2008 at 10:12 pm@Ritu … thanks for an equally heartfelt response
I definetly want to be 100% sure before I take the plunge into motherhood, but yes maybe I dont have much time since I am already 30+!!!! So you see the pressure is increasing fast!
snigdha Says:
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:29 amHi Ansy,
Very well put. No matter how much I want a kid but am too scared now. As you rightly say, with a full time job and other things to take care of, even if we want, we may not be able to do full justice to parenthood. After all bringing a life to this world requires much more than family pressure and their need to have a play mate. 100% conviction is required. With 2 dogs keeping both of us on our toes always, I can very well see what a child is going to do to our lives. We cant leave for late night parties, weekend trips just at the drop of a hat becuase of our puppies. With a baby in life, things would take a completely different turn. (I am sorry if my comparison with puppy and baby sounds silly but both are a responsibility. Baby being the greatest responsibility of all. I can compare the situation becuase I am already in one)
felinemusings Says:
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:11 pm@Snigs: Inspite of what we know or dont know abt child-upbringing, the basic question still remains - to have or not to have - and specially in the context of time that is running out on us!! Incidentally, a colleague today mentioned that a child is a great linking/bonding factor btween a man and a woman and provides stability to the relationship in the long run by giving a common purpose in life!
snigdha Says:
June 23rd, 2008 at 2:39 pm@Ansi:- I really dont know about that part of a baby bringing a couple closer. I belive if you share common passion and love you dont need babies to do the bonding job. It is again individual choice as to what a baby means to him/ her. To me I love the fact of having your own flesh and blood, breathing right infront of you. But once the initial joy of having a baby fizzles out, when relatives go back home, when you have to keep applying for leave to tend to you sick child, when you spend sleepless nights, pay heed the tantrums, worry about grades and homework after a long day at work, when you have to schedule your vacation based on school breaks rather than when do YOU need it, it boggles my mind. I know, many people go through this doubt and this doubt probably goes away when you actaully have a child but like Ritu said, you gotta be 100 % sure of what you are getting into.
Sujata Nair Says:
June 29th, 2008 at 4:45 pmHi, I’m a veteran of 19 marital anniversaries.i don’t know if I pearls of wisdom to offer but I’ve had identical worries in my time. We didn’t plan a baby, the baby planned us, if you know what I mean!!! Looking back I haven’t been a particularly wonderful mother; so frustrating was the career & personal ambition embargo.I used my elder son as my punching bag. He still is one. My friend, my critic, my sparring partner, my one point who doesn’t let me slip into ennui; who keeps me young; a buffer against family discords. The one person who understands that I still need & therefore marshalls a personal breathing space. The beauty is he hasn’t become the most important person in my life, he makes me feel I am worth importance. How all this happened is a mystery, but am I ever glad it happened. I have another son who is happy playing the role of a son & I allow hin his right.
Agendra Says:
June 30th, 2008 at 5:34 pmWell…God help me that I am jumping into an otherwise ‘Girlie’ discussion that this so far has been. My views-
The fun and satisfaction those little angels bring into your life is far greater than the miseries (if one really wants to call it that way) like loss of private time, higher expenses etc. would bring. Even when they grow up they are still enjoyable, great fun to have them around. Bringing up children is not easy, but then nothing that can bring happiness in life is easy. Every couple goes through the same questions and doubts that you have raised. There will be challenges all along, I would say forever, probably for the rest of your life, but at the end - I still think it is worth the trouble.
Let me tell you another thing - the fragrance of a new born baby is some thing which is unbelievable, no perfumery can ever reproduce that divine smell. And that intoxicating smell lasts couple of years (and by that time you can look forward to another one!!). After my children grew up, I even borrowed neighbour’s baby to play couple of times.
I would say anyone who is medically fit to have baby should have. Specifically you should at least have one, even if you have to take extended leave or give up the job for some time to bring up your child, sure you will be able to find another job/career later. Believe me your world will be far more beautiful after you have a baby.
barath Says:
July 1st, 2008 at 1:39 pmDINK- A good acronym. And that suits a good bunch of today’s generation.
Well I don’t know whether a hardly 22 yr young kid can talk about kids and stuff. But all my life I’d given good thought about it. I know its not a child’s play thing. But been fancied by parenthood very much. Motherhood is a being, an attitude, not just a physical/biological phenomenon in a woman’s life. The same goes good for all those unfortunately ‘not so gentle’ gentlemen too.
Sorry to tell this, but its true that Motherhood is not be-all and end-all in woman’s life. Just try reading Erma Bombeck’s “Motherhood:the second oldest profession” and also Lionel Shriver’s “We Need To Talk about Kevin” A must read for mothers.
Empty Nest syndrome - Its really hard on a woman’s to just let her life go empty after all that she had spent on her bringing them up just to know that her life will go blank after a while. Only few women do the balancing act.
“A woman who has seemingly immune to the maternal instincts”. A little immunity helps at times. No need to worry.
“Something hurts somewhere”. Tell you something didi, Its good to go deaf on certain people for they don’t even have any decent sense of knowledge to understand that two and two makes four and it makes @least ten months for things to work out.
Didi, Stand up! stretch. Take time to enjoy life, as you said Being a good companion makes life good. After all He is the one with whom you’re gonna spend life with. “Its about being more than two and less than one.”
And the best thing in life is to take care of another individual! and its best when its your own blood!!!
Give in time, Take one step @ time! give in lot of thought, Give time and thought to Enjoy the wonderful creation of God in you. Cheers! Enjoy Life as it comes.
“May all goodness befall this beautiful person”
And still I dunno if a 22yr young kid to all this stuff!!!
felinemusings Says:
July 1st, 2008 at 5:04 pm@Agendra: thanks for getting out of the “passive reader” mode and sharing your thots on this website. You have definitely given me food for thot
felinemusings Says:
July 1st, 2008 at 5:06 pm@Barath, thanks for a such a sensitive overview of my situation and for taking time out to voice ur opinion. And who says that age defines the level of wisdom one has … you have spoken with patience and understanding, well beyond your years and its really appreciated.
Sanjukta Says:
July 4th, 2008 at 12:04 pmI got loads of motherly instincts but still I probably would never want a child. Reasons are weird. I am a very demanding person, I keep a lot of expectation from any relationship. And I never get into things where my expectation might not get fulfilled. I got these insecurities I just can’t deal with.
I can’t see myself bearing the greatest pain putting my life and soul to bring a life on earth and nurture it, and then see it growing upto to be something I don’t want it to be…that fear just kills me.
Personally I think parenthood like all other relationship is also a very selfish act. We bring in a life not because the life wants to be here but because we need it to meet our selfish needs. Like you rightly mentioned, we need a plaything, we need someone to carry forward our name, we need a support for our old age…blah blah
And couldn’t agree more when you said, “I don’t want to teach and groom a child into a great human being because there are already many parents who are doing this and our world is swarmed with pretty little people and child prodigies”
Why add to the human burden on earth to appease yourself.
Sanjukta Says:
July 4th, 2008 at 12:09 pmAlso to add, this insecurity that the child wud grow up to be someone else mainly comes from seeing my younger sister growing up. She is the closest I have been in terms of motherhood and there are times I wish she was not the way she is, wish she didn’t change so much while growing up. It’s wrong I know, I am no body to judge who she wants to be. But still its tough to not have an expectation and that’s why it scares me.