Feline Musings

I rearranged the cushions for the sixth time in half an hour. I took out spinach from the refrigerator and I put the bunch back again, three consecutive times. I picked up Herman Hesse, and then I read few pages from Helen Fielding. I wrote a couple of emails, read a few forwarded jokes, and then I browsed through the month edition of a fashion magazine. I broke my own record in channel surfing by clicking 80 television channels twice over in a few seconds, and then I spent half an hour, chatting on the internet with a moron in Timbuktu.

On the whole, I had managed to wile away an hour and fifteen minutes on a very bright and sunny spring morning. It was Saturday and I had free time today and the next day too. I calculated that a trip to the beauty parlor, a shopping spree, or a bite at MacDonald’s would help me spend the Saturday afternoon. The question was how would I spend Saturday evening and then Sunday morning, afternoon, evening and I had to take into account Saturday night and Sunday night, too!

I was not a lonely single woman in a big city. I was a lonely married woman in a big city. I was married more than a year ago but I had spent only four months with my husband – rather a total of four months compromising of my husband’s intermittent stay in the house. I was not the victim of an unhappy marriage and I was not separated from my husband. I was smugly married and Arnab was a gem of person. The only problem in my life was that Arnab was born with chakras in the sole of his feet and he was always traveling. I judged the man right when I decided that he will make a wonderful husband, because he was a wonderful person. My only folly was that I failed to peer at the sole of his feet before I married him.

“You arrived just three days back. How can you go again?” I questioned exasperated when I saw Arnab packing again.

“I am taking a flight!” Arnab hugged me with a pacifying smile.

I pushed him aside, “This is no time to joke. In fact, you have made my life and our marriage a joke.”

Arnab pulled me into his arms again, “And how is that? Am I not doing this for us? For the stability and security of our future! Do you think I enjoy all these trips and long stay away from home, from you!”

“There is no “our” and there is no “us.” Are we ever together? And the way things are going I don’t think there will be a future and this house will never become a home?” I again shrugged him away.

Arnab’s expression and his tone became serious, “Ann, don’t nag. This is not the right time, when I am tense with business deals going haywire. I expect you to be more understanding. Haven’t we discussed all of this before?”

There was no choice other than to keep quiet. Arnab was on a power drive and his only commitment was to his job. As a busy career woman myself, I couldn’t relate to the pressures and demands of his job. I was also in a white collared profession in a multinational company, but I couldn’t comprehend how a work day could extend to fourteen hours and a week long business trip expand into a one-month stay at the client site.

I would sometimes worry that there was another woman and the woman inside me would concoct stories of Arnab’s infidelity. I would then discreetly go about finding from Arnab’s colleagues about his work and his business trips. Arnab seemed to have a very clean image and his line of business was described to me as the most volatile, most demanding and yet most rewarding.

Rewarding! This was how Arnab had described to me the potential of his new job and the long term advantages.

“I need to go on this US assignment. The money that I save will help us pay for the down payment of our house. Imagine, Ann, we will have our own house.” Arnab spoke excitedly.

“Our marriage is not even a month old, Arnab. You can’t leave me like this.” I was getting upset.

“Leave you! Ann, you are using a wrong word. I am not leaving you. I am going on a short business trip and then I will be back and we will book our house on Orchid Hills.” Arnab took up a practical approach.

“We can book our house a year later also. What is the hurry?” I was trying hard to swallow the knot in my throat.

“I don’t believe that you are the same aware, practical woman I married.” Arnab raised his hands in exasperation and continued, “Ann, you are not making any sense. One year from now property rates will escalate. Moreover, this business and US travel opportunity may never come back.”

Arnab was adorable and he had a talent for persuasion. My arguments became weak and I would be almost ashamed to voice them before him, else he ridiculed me. I slowly reconciled with the idea that Arnab would be away from me for long durations of time. I tried to fill the empty hours and days of loneliness by spending more time in office and pursuing hobbies.

In spite of all my efforts I ended up with more time at hand than I could manage. Most of my friends were married and were parents and I would feel even more lonely and distraught in their company. All around me I would find marital bliss and cozy couples. I was catapulted into another world where I was my only company and loneliness reigned supreme. I ached to find someone with whom I could talk to, go to parties with, consult on shopping sprees and visit weekend gateways with. Despondency became a part of my life.

“Since when did this company have so much work to make a young lady brood at her work desk well past office hours?” Ria’s chirpy voice filled my little nook in the office.

I smiled at Ria. She was one person whom I really admired and more than often I wished I was like her. Ria was a young woman who had decided to remain single and enjoy her independence and live life on her own terms. She moved around with like-minded people and never seemed to have a boring moment in her life. She was full of energy and enthusiasm and I always wondered how she managed her life so well. I had thought of finding it out one of these days. I soon got the opportunity to get a preview of her life.

“Well, I cannot blame the company for making me stay back so late in the office. It’s just me. I am afraid to go back home – to all the loneliness and the emptiness.” I felt a strange pang of guilt at the self-pity in my voice. I sounded as if I wanted someone to help me to get rid of my loneliness and my fears.

Ria took the cue. “So Arnab is traveling again? It is great then, isn’t it? With your husband away you can spend time with friends. Have a girl’s night out. Boy! That should be so much fun.”

“No, Ria, I don’t have friends whom I can chill out with. Most of them are married or engaged and I cannot relate to them.” I felt and sounded low.

Ria looked at me, arms crossed over the wall of my cubicle. She kept quiet for some time and then spoke in a low tone, “I never knew you are so lonely, Annette. I always thought you were happily married and had the world at your feet – a handsome husband, a comfortable job, a lavish home and an even more lavish lifestyle. But look at you! You are deprived.”

“The grass is always greener on the other side.” I smiled through my tears.

“Oh! Poor you.” Ria came inside my cubicle and hugged me.

I burst into tears. It had been so long since I had actually shared my woes with someone and the sympathy unleashed all hidden sorrows.

“Enough now.” Ria finally declared after she patiently let me weep for sometime. “Let us go to my place. I have some friends coming over and you can join us for drinks, tacos and movies. Mind you, no dinner.”

“No, no. I am absolutely fine. I just needed to cry. I am feeling so much better now. I will go back home.”

“And do what?”

“Watch a movie on television.”

“That is exactly what I am asking you to do. Watch a movie, at my place.” Ria said matter-of-factly, as she started gathering up the things at my desk and packing my shoulder bag.

“Your friends will be there. What will I do amongst them?”

“Make them your friends. Look Ann, if you don’t make new friends who can spend time with you, how can you ever get rid of your loneliness. And please don’t make me lecture you. It’s Friday night and I am in no mood of giving gyan.”

The prospect of meeting new people and partying on a Friday night was enticing. I quietly shut down my computer and followed Ria, who had already walked away with my shoulder bag.

As we pulled into the parking slot in front of Ria’s house, I heard music.

“Good, the gang is already here.” Ria told me.

“Already here? You mean your friends reached here before you?” I could not hide my surprise.

“Yes, why not! In fact someone or the other from my gang is always hanging around at my place. We share a very free and open relationship, and house keys. Isn’t this what friendship means – no formalities, no restraints …” Ria rang the doorbell.

“Hmm …” I was thinking how nice it was to have some one waiting at home to open the door for you, just as the door was flung open by a tall man with a half empty beer mug in hand and a lit cigarette dangling from his mouth.

“Hi.” Ria’s chirpy voice rose as she moved in. I followed and entered a smoke filled living room to see the rest of Ria’s “gang.” Ria introduced me to the two men and three women sprawled all over the room.

“And this is Nishant.” Ria swung around as Nishant uncorked a beer bottle and emptied it into two glasses. “He is our in-house bartender. He makes wonderful cocktails.” Ria smiled as Nishant handed over a beer mug to her and offered the other one to me.”

“No, thanks.” I declined, slightly embarrassed.

“Everyone here drinks on a weekend.” Nishant almost shoved the glass in my hand.

“C’mon. It is only a beer.” One of the women in the room spoke.

I was cornered. I quietly took the beer mug and settled in a bean bag.

“That’s my seat.” Nishant disapproved my choice of seating.

“I am sorry.” I awkwardly balanced my beer mug as I started to get up.

A low laugh filled the room. “I am just kidding. Please make yourself comfortable. You look so tense that I couldn’t resist the temptation of teasing you.” Nishant told me.

In an attempt to feel a part of the crowd I sipped on the beer. The room filled with conversation, light banter, constant flow of beer and taco chips. I slowly became a part of the “gang.”

A new world opened up for me. I started spending more time with Ria and I became an integral part of her friend circle. We had coffee table discussions, went to night clubs, social events and exhibitions, planned small excursions or just spent quiet evenings at home. Nishant slowly became a special friend. He was a laid back person, a real estate agent by profession, who hardly worked eight hours a week and spent most of his time cooking and concocting new cocktail recipes. He was well read and we usually exchanged books and discussed reviews. Even when I was not spending time with the rest of the group, I was speaking with Nishant over the phone.

“The international book fair is on. Would you like to go?” I recognized Nishant’s voice over the phone. Rather I recognized his style. Nishant would always get straight to the point without greeting or introducing himself.

“Yes, I would love to. But I the weather is so unsure. Heavy rains are expected.” I informed him.

“What else can you expect in August, Ann? It sure will rain but life doesn’t stop because the skies are overcast.” Nishant persuaded me and arranged to pick me up in an hour.

We spent a very long time at the book fair and purchased far many books than we could possibly read in a year. As we moved outside the complex that housed the exhibition, we were encountered by torrential rains. Nishant told me to stay in the sheltered area as he retrieved the car from the open parking. When he pulled up close to where I was standing, I saw that he was drenched. We carefully and slowly drove back to my home and I invited him for coffee.

“This is not the weather for coffee. It is the day to enjoy whisky on the rocks. Do you have some scotch lying around the house?”

Arnab’s bar in our house was stocked with liquor from around the world. He would collect the best possible liquor from each of the countries he traveled to. I hesitated, wondering if Arnab would appreciate my offering his precious collector’s alcohol to a person whom he didn’t even know. But when I looked at Nishant walking out of the car all drenched, balancing two large bags of books, my heart went out to him.

“Yes, I have some Jack Daniel from Arnab’s collection.” I called after him as I got out of the car and stepped out into the rain.

In the warm confines of the living room, I picked out a bottle of scotch from the glass cabinet and poured Nishant a drink, as he wiped himself with a towel.

“You should get into dry clothes. I will give you Arnab’s track suit.”

“Not a bad idea.” Nishant was as informal as ever.

Some minutes later we sat before the television, sipping on our liquor, with rain lashing on the window panes. Hours flew by and the rain wouldn’t stop. Nishant had got up many times to check if the rain had abated and he could leave for his home.

“There is knee deep water outside. I can’t get the car out.” Nishant’s face displayed lines of concern.

I walked over to the door and I sensed trouble.

“Oh! How will go back home now.”

“I will not. You have a big house. You can let me stay overnight.”

I was dumbfounded. I searched for answers and I could not get any. I had to agree that this was the only feasible solution. Under my breath I cursed the drainage system at Orchid Hills.

“I will put fresh linen in the guest room.”

Nishant walked to the kitchen. “And I will make us dinner.”

It was midnight and I started pacing up and down the room. I picked up the phone and confirmed there was a dial tone. I checked my mobile phone for network.

“Ann, sit down. Don’t fidget.” Nishant disapproved my sudden movement all over the place.

I sat down patiently, glancing now and then at the clock. Seconds changed to minutes, minutes to an hour.

“… modern psychologists are rejecting Freud’s theories. They find more relevance in the concepts of … Ann, what’s wrong.” Nishant’s got up in an instant and came across the room to where I was sitting, next to the phone. I was crying uncontrollably.

“I didn’t know you liked Freud so much?” Nishant couldn’t comprehend the reason of the sudden outburst of emotions from me.

“I am not crying for Freud. I am crying for myself. It is my birthday today and Arnab has forgotten it. He has not called me.” I offered the reason for crying.

“So what? He will call you in the morning. Expecting a call at midnight is very childish.” Nishant didn’t know how to console me.

“Arnab always wished me at midnight when we were dating and in the first year of my marriage. How can he forget this year?” I complained.

“I don’t know. I can do only one thing I can wish you in his place. Happy Birthday, Ann.” He hugged me and kissed me on the forehead.

His embrace felt nice and warm and I snuggled up closer to him. Nishant’s lips moved to my eyelids and he kissed away my tears and navigated slowly to my lips. Nishant gifted me love that birthday.

Our friendship graduated to another level. Nishant filled up the entire vacuum in my life. He became a constant presence in my life and he even spent many days and nights at my home.

“I am moving out.” After days of contemplation I got the courage to confront Arnab.

“So you have decided to run away with your chat friend in Timbuktu?” Arnab didn’t even look up from the documents he was scrutinizing.

I snatched the bundle of papers from his hand. “This is serious, Arnab. I want a separation. I don’t want to live with you anymore.”

Arnab went red in the face. “You have a very stale sense of humor and this is a very improper way of grabbing attention.”

“No, Arnab. I gave up trying to get your attention many months ago. I don’t want to waste any more time on this relationship. It is not working out. I have become second priority in your life and I can’t stay in a house which is not a home.”

“I always knew you were going around with somebody. I denied it as gossip. You have proved me wrong. But you don’t need to go anywhere. This house is in your name and you must stay here. If anyone has to move out, it is me. I have failed you and I have failed as a husband.” Arnab picked up the car keys from the table and walked out of the door.

I stood shell shocked. He didn’t make any efforts to fix up our broken marriage. Arnab never believed in quick fixes. We separated as if we had never known each other. A week later Arnab sent movers and packers to collect his belongings. Nishant moved in with me.

I was introduced to a different living experience. Nishant was always around me and I could never recall a day when I got back home and he was already not there. He filled up all the space and displayed intense love and care. He would leave me love coupons on my pillow, in my lunch box and in my cupboard. Loving me became the sole preoccupation of his life.

Initially, I enjoyed all the attention, but slowly I became awry of his lifestyle. He was constantly drinking and lazing around the house. The kitchen was the only place in the house that he loved. He was careless about everything else and usually messy. I would become distraught with the untidiness and his larger than life presence around the house.

Complacency set in. He was thoroughly satisfied with his life and didn’t show any interests in professional advancements. There were months when he was without any contracts and didn’t make any money. He was least concerned. I was paying the bills and became financially responsible for him. We slowly stopped going out together. He told me that the idea was to be together and if we could be together at home, there was no need to go out.

I dealt with the situation patiently. I gave him pep talk and encouraged him to work on expanding his real estate business. I wanted him to meet people and increase his client base. I was worried about his financial dependency on me. He was least bothered and would shun my attempts by telling me that if he started working too hard he would become like Arnab and would not have time for me. Once again I was at crossroads and I was left without arguments.

“Do I finally get to blame the company for making you stay late in the office?” Ria questioned me.

“I don’t want to go home. It is so claustrophobic. Nishant is always around. I want some moments of solace.” I informed Ria.

“Once upon a time there was no man in the house, and now there is a man in the house, and you have been unhappy in both the scenarios.” Ria summarized.

“Ria, I am so confused. I thought having a man with me, would solve all my problems. But now I feel more isolated and alienated from myself. I don’t know what my problem is!” I was again seeking answers from the woman who seemed to be in total control of her life, so unlike me.

“Why do you need a man in your life? Ann, this is the problem. You want a male figure in your life. You have made your self weak. It is not Nishant who is dependant on you. You are dependant on him.” Ria analyzed the situation for me.

“We all need someone in our lives.” I defended my stance.

“That is where you are wrong. We all are complete in ourselves. Our happiness has to come from within us. It cannot depend on someone else. We don’t need to be loved by anyone. We have to love ourselves.” Ria continued to explain.

“I value myself and I love myself. Maybe that is why I am afraid of loneliness and I want to give myself the best of company and togetherness.”

“You can always do that without getting into a relationship. You had an opportunity to make friends and develop a social life, but you went ahead and cocooned yourself and fell in love with one man. You closed doors on all the other people in your life. How can one person be your entire world?”

“You are right. I always wanted a man in my life who would be the world to me. When Arnab was not around, my life became empty. When Nishant is always around, I feel suffocated.”

“You have to make your own space and enjoy it too. The presence or absence of another individual in your life cannot dishevel your entire existence. Learn to live for yourself. There is no other way to happiness.”

“What do I do?”

“This is for you to decide. There are more relationships in the world than a man-woman relationship. The best relationship is the one that you inculcate and share with yourself.”

Ria taught me a lesson in self-reliance and self-sustenance that day. It took two unsuccessful relationships and three precious years to bring the message home to me. The next day I changed the lock of my house. My life had come a full circle. I would start life afresh – alone but in love with myself.

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